So I returned to my day job a month ago. For those who don’t know - in June I sorta-kinda retired from my court clerk job of 27 years. My brain and spirit were gelatinous goo. I was the Civil Department supervisor, running the court dockets for evictions, small claims, debt claims, and other matters in Justice Court. It was stressful work, and it took its toll. I kept imagining myself as writing full-time, and making space in my life to do that, so I was genuinely excited to “retire.”
Cut to several months later, and I was miserable. I didn’t miss the work, but I sure missed the structure. I genuinely believed that I would have the stamina and the will to pick myself up every day and be productive, but it didn’t happen. I heard all sorts of platitudes from friends (and if you were one of them, I really did appreciate it) but nothing could convince me that I had done the right thing by retiring. Everyone said to give it some time, that I needed the reset, and I would eventually pick myself up and get to work.
Thing is, though - I know me. And I know that I work best when I have a deadline, when I have to meet a certain point and commit to completing something, and I can’t create those deadlines myself. I need outside forces to do it. And I need those forces to be bigger than me. Perhaps I will, in the coming years, learn to force myself to do what needs to get done, but right now I’m weak in that regard. My wife, love her as much as I do, lets me get away with too much. But when I’m pressured by dates, times, outside forces, I can almost always get it done.
Money helps too. Going back to work, getting that pay check again, along with the pension, has taken some weight off my life, and made me feel more productive than I did when I wasn’t working. My old job happily allowed me to return, but I did so with a caveat - I didn’t want to run anything anymore. I have years of practical knowledge in my field, and I didn’t want that to go to waste, but I also didn’t want the added stress of running a department, overseeing other clerks, and worrying about the weeks and months of scheduling and how to make those pieces fit. So I went back at a pay loss, and instead became another clerk in the office, with the added benefit of my experience and knowledge.
And it’s been great. My days feel fuller than they did, but it’s not overwhelming. I can get tasks completed, and they stay done. And when people need help, I can help them, because I know what it’s like. I can give an outside perspective that I couldn’t before, because my responsibilities wouldn’t really let me. There’s pressure, but it’s different, it’s manageable, it’s a hill I can climb instead of simply looking for a place to jump off.
Oddly enough, it’s also made me more prolific as a writer. With my days no longer in limbo, I have to make the writing time count, and that strangely has made all the difference. I can’t promise myself that it will stay like this - those voices that tell me I’m no good are there, just muted a bit for now, but I have no doubt that when I get low the volume will turn up - but right now, as best as I can see, I’m happy. Satisfied? No. Happy? Mostly yes. Like I said, that could change. But this month I’ve written four reviews, after a bit of a hiatus in December and January. I feel like something has switched on, and I can look at what I’m reviewing with a more critical eye. I can still fall head-over-heels with a movie, but I can also see the cracks and the flaws, even in the movies I love. I’m enjoying movies again.
Maybe it’s the turn of the year that does it, but I get really low come January, historically. I’ve looked at my Facebook memories over the past several years, and it charts. It normally lifts around March, so this just may be a cyclical thing, so I don’t want to take it for granted. But I’ve looked at myself a bit, and while it’s never clear when you’re in the thick of it, it helps to step outside yourself and see what you’ve accomplished. You shouldn’t do it too often, but you should do it, because you need to know what you’re capable of. That you’re just not paddling against the stream - that you’re actually moving forward.
Since I became a Rotten Tomatoes reviewer, I’ve reviewed more than a hundred films for Coming Soon and Vital Thrills. A lot more if you count my Ain’t It Cool days. I don’t know if I’ve built something lasting as a reviewer, but I’ve built… something, I think. I think I’ve created a voice, and a readership, and I’ve established a rapport with those people who read me. Sometimes the words flow like a river, others like molasses. But I give every review I write my all, and though this may be a dying form, I’m proud of what I’ve written, mostly. There are a few clunkers here and there, but I’ll let others judge those.
My podcast that I share with Craig Price, Matinee Heroes, has over 350 episodes, including Patreon episodes. We’ve had many guests, and covered many films, since 2016, almost exactly seven years now. I thought at the beginning that because of our format that we’d run out of movies to cover, and Craig assured me at the time that we wouldn’t. He was right, and we’re still going strong, planning some things this year that I can’t wait to tackle. Craig has been a good muse, and his best qualities have been a quiet insistence on doing the work, and he doesn’t know this, but there are some weeks where I needed the push. I’m not very technically savvy, and Craig knows how to operate all the bells and whistles and if you’re reading this, Craig, I want you to know that it’s appreciated beyond words. He lets me elaborate on film while he quietly makes sure the trains are running, and without Craig there simply is no podcast, because I couldn’t get it together enough to make it happen. Thanks, bud.
So I look back (and again, not too often) to remind myself that I am building something, even if it’s one brick at a time. I haven’t made peace with myself, but I feel more comfortable with myself. Not too much, but enough, and I’m excited again to see what happens next. Maybe I’ve made peace with the fact that some things are going to either happen or not, and that I should just keep doing what I’m doing, and eventually that may be enough. My ambitions now are simply to find as much joy as I can, and not to expect anything except the next step in front of me. I’m in a better place than I was, and while I anticipate that the valleys will return (they always do), right now it’s nice to step back and look at how far I’ve come. As always, thanks for reading.